To borrow a title from Dooce, but I couldn't think of a more fitting title. In early January I found out I was pregnant. We were very excited. As a nurse I have stats on miscarriages running through the back of my head, but as we approached 8 weeks, I felt that we had made it through the last 2 months and we were so excited and started to tell people.
I had my first doctor's appointment at 10 weeks. So far I had some uncomfortable symptoms of pregnancy, but nothing to miserable and I was excited to be nearing the end of my first trimester. We had started looking around at cribs and making plans. We would have a September baby and a 3 month old at Christmas. It would be my parent's first grandchild and Mr. M's mother's 15th.
Mr. M. came with me to my appointment. I knew at 10 weeks we should hear a heartbeat and we were excited to hear it together. The doctor couldn't find a heartbeat with the Doppler, but that is not unusual, so we went over to have an ultrasound. There is no heartbeat. It appears that the baby stopped developing at 6 weeks, but my body still thought I was pregnant. I choose to induce a miscarriage this weekend. And now it feels so empty.
It is empty, but not without hope. I am still so blessed. I have a wonderful husband, I have supportive friends and family. Both my husband and me have secure jobs, we have a church where we are engaged in and comfort in a sovereign God who knows our pain.
About Me
- Misplaced Texan
- I am a flailing woman swimming in a sea of grace, committed to leading a thoughtful life of faith. I encourage other grace swimmers to thoughtfully consider their lives so that we can more fully enjoy the grace and love of God. Sometimes this looks like a book review, sometimes it looks like a recipe to make you life easier. Most of the time, it looks like sitting around a table with your favorite hot drink and encouraging each other. I was born and raised throughout Texas, but have been wandering since marrying my husband. We currently live near Charlotte, North Carolina. One of my favorite things to do is grab a coffee, or a tea, or a hot chocolate, and get to know people. This is a place to share life and the table. I have 3 children, my table is messy, but please come anyway.
5 comments:
Your faith in all this has impressed me so much. I am honored to be your friend, and I am so grateful to God for taking such good care of you. Even with all the stuff last week that you had to deal with, your trust and peace in Him really shone through. I love you guys and pray that the Lord will keep you strong and give you what you need when you need it!
My love & prayers are with you!
Deb, I am so sorry to hear this. I love you and am thinking of you. You are amazing. Seriously.
Deb, I am so sorry. I can't imagine what you and Lonnie are going through. I'm sad to be so far away and wish I could give you a hug.
Oh, D, I cringed and fought back tears when I read your post - I'm so, so sorry! (And oh, how I remember that seemingly ever-present void!) But I pray you rest assured that it is not ever-present - that in fact your Father in Heaven will fill that emptiness in His perfect way and timing. Seize this opportunity He's given you to trust He, especially now, upholds you with his Righteous Right Hand!
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